Monday, March 31, 2014

What else is making me happy this week.


My tremendous friend (and almost-birthday-twin) Regina is shaving her head on Friday...for charity!  She's helping St. Baldrick's raise money for childhood cancer research.

If you've got a few bucks to throw her way, I'm sure she'd appreciate it.

P.S.  She is going to ROCK that haircut.



What's making me happy this week.


I love you, Billy on the Street.  I'm so glad you're back.




Salty.


We've discussed my mother's Letters of Complaint in the past.  Well, she's at it again.

Recently, while enjoying a bag of kettle chips, she came upon a large nugget of salt in the bag.  (“Large” as in roughly-the-size-of-a-human-thumb.)  This displeased her greatly…though not enough to get her to stop eating the rest of the chips in the bag.   She carefully preserved the salt nugget, wrapped it in bubble wrap, enclosed it in a bubble mailer along with her letter of complaint, and sent it off.


Fast-forward: one night, she handed me the attached, then proudly displayed the three coupons for free bags of chips that were also enclosed.  (“Each up to a retail value of $4.29!  That’s almost thirteen bucks!!”)


Two things that caught my eye:

1.  She has written so many letters of complaint to the chip company in question over the years that she's started forging them in the names of my brothers and using their addresses, so as not to draw scrutiny to her schemes.

2.  The P.S. about how salt works is a little passive aggressive.


Police blotter.


Tuesday, 2:29 A.M.: Two open-line 911 calls received. Dispatch called the number, and female said she didn't have any minutes and hung up. Called back a second time, irate female said she didn't have any minutes to talk and to just send an officer. When asked what the emergency was, female cursed at dispatcher and hung up again.

Wednesday, 11:53 A.M.: Tow truck driver advised male is outside of a tan Buick by the east end vet clinic "flapping his arms like a bird." Not sure what the problem is.

Thursday, 6:15 P.M.: Caller reported that someone broke into his garage this morning. A vehicle drove in his driveway and took a can full of cigarette butts. Nothing else was missing or removed.

Friday, 1:42 P.M.: Church volunteer reported garbage dumped in their "Cans for Kids" bin.


Friday:  911 call stating that caller's girlfriend was throwing cans at him.

Saturday, 12:14 P.M.: Caller wants to speak with an officer about her grandma running into the garage with her car.


Friday, March 28, 2014

What's making me happy this week.


"Loves children, loves food, respirator mask does not come off."



Sunday, March 23, 2014

#MoreHashtags.



The well keeps flowing.


#RatBiteFever
#GrimSleeper
#PotAndTots
#VampireFaceLift
#SextAndSex
#StabbedAtAltar
#PaperFood
#NakedJailBrawl
#Sextortion
#PervyGranny
#DaycareHorror
#PotheadPrincess
#RealtorPorn
#MansionMurder
#DanceMomBrawl
#BilledForSex
#LSDSteak
#PotBust
#BurgerKingBaby
#MomInTrunk
#TotsAndGuns
#SexSting
#MauledToDeath
#CagedGirl
#BabySnatcher
#KillerNun
#HammerDeath
#MomHasAGun
#KillerPreacher
#RealLifeDexter
#PhilSpector
#Outrage


Sunday, March 16, 2014

Police blotter.


Wednesday:  Caller stated he saw an eight-to-nine-foot-tall male covered in hair walking along the side of Highway 63 northbound toward Ashland.  Update: officer reported no Sasquatch or anything resembling one was located.


Friday, March 14, 2014

What's making me happy this week.


This made me laugh 'til it hurt.

 
Most particularly, these:

 
 
 

Sunday, March 09, 2014

Police blotter.


Sunday, 11:07 P.M.: Caller wanted to report damage done to her window. The suspect is a cat. Unknown direction of travel.

Monday, 10:53 A.M.: Caller said he hired someone to clean his residence two weeks ago and a bunch of things are missing now, including his slow cooker, knife collection, and false teeth.

Monday, 3:51 P.M.: Caller reports their carbon dioxide alarm is going off, but he feels fine so he'll stay put.


Tuesday, 7:27 P.M.: Caller returned home after being gone for five days and there is a giant ice boulder plowed into his driveway. He can't break it apart and will park his car across the street for tonight.

Wednesday, 10:46 A.M.: Vehicle that attempted to pass a snow plow is now stuck in a snow bank.

Wednesday, 2:16 P.M.: Caller reports a male entered her yard on cross country skis, went around the back of her garage, stood in her driveway, then left.


Friday:  Received report that fire alarm was sounding from a cabin at Brickyard Creek. Spoke to the cabin renter who explained that he burned the steaks and the alarm went off, and he didn't know how to shut it off.

Saturday, 12:03 A.M.: Caller wanted daughter's boyfriend removed from residence because when she came home from work, she discovered that he had gotten drunk and decided to boil eggs; then he passed out and now there was tons of smoke from the burning eggs.


Tuesday, March 04, 2014

What's making me happy this week.


This is eerily similar to what it looks like each night when I try to sneak away after giving Toivo his last feeding.