Wednesday, November 03, 2010

Election Night: or, I Stayed Up Late for This?

8:02 P.M.: My mother catches a glimpse of Chuck Todd; swooning ensues.

8:07 P.M.: Good news - the people of Delaware had the sense to not elect a witch to the Senate! Brian Williams, in an aside: "...a woman who this very weekend proclaimed that she was certain people were performing human sacrifices on Halloween."

8:16 P.M.: First mention of the Feingold/Johnson race - too close to call. Hope springs eternal?

8:27 P.M: What the F*** Has Obama Done So Far?

8:30 P.M.: First Christmas City of the North Parade commercial sighting of the year!

8:34 P.M.: Brian Williams mentions Matt Taibbi's stupendous piece on the Republican co-opting of the Tea Party movement in Rolling Stone. Too bad the mainstream media didn't bother covering it themselves before this election wrapped up.

8:47 P.M.: Dayton's ahead of Emmer in the MN Governor's race so far, despite the fact that he always looks like he's about to burst into tears.

8:55 P.M.: Local NBC affiliate's butted in to update us on the MN/WI races, although as usual, their coverage is (predictably) much more Minnesota-heavy. Election season is the only time I wish I lived closer to a Wisconsin-based TV news source. Well, that, and anytime the Vikings win.

9:00 P.M.: Okay, enough election night coverage for a while, I'm going to give myself an ulcer watching the ship sink. Thank goodness there's a new Kathy Griffin special on Bravo, I need something to laugh at.

9:10 P.M.: Who am I kidding? Election bullshit, I can't quit you. Flipping back to Chuck and Brian during the commercial breaks.

9:14 P.M.: Frank Conniff on Twitter: "Rand Paul just said, 'Government does not create jobs,' as he prepares to take his new job with the government."

9:48 P.M.: Feingold is falling behind. This is depressing - back to Kathy.

9:55 P.M.: Thank you, Kathy Griffin, for taking my mind off this debacle by bringing up The Real Housewives of New Jersey. That's just what I needed!

9:58 P.M.: Judging by my friends' status updates on Facebook, I missed a hell of an interview between Chris Matthews and batshit-insane Michele Bachmann from Minnesota.

10:00 P.M.: Over to Comedy Central for their Indecision 2010 coverage. Help me, Jon Stewart. You're my only hope.

10:04 P.M.: "John Boehner is the first orange man - er, man of orange descent - to become Speaker of the House."

10:06 P.M.: On CNN's ridiculous election night graphics: "CNN is leading the way with its Tetris news fence, making any results indecipherable."

10:11 P.M.: No African-Americans in the U.S. Senate. Way to go, old white people!

10:12 P.M.: John Oliver is in a green-screen unitard, projecting graphics onto his crotch. -

10:13 P.M.: Jon Stewart: "Russ Feingold, one of the leading progressive voices, has been defeated by Ron Johnson. (audience boos) Now the crowd has turned on us." Hey, Wisconsin? Fuck you!

10:17 P.M: Jim Oberstar is safe!*

10:21 P.M.: "Of the three presidents in recent times who had big mid-term losses (Truman, Eisenhower and Clinton), every single one of them got re-elected." - Michael Beschloss, Daily Show guest ("So your thought is, 'what a great night for Barack Obama?'" - Jon Stewart)

10:32 P.M.: Colbert's got election results, "zoning ordinances, snow closings and school lunch menus." "Stiles Elementary - sloppy joes and corn niblets."

10:36 P.M.: Voting irregularities popping up. But this part made me laugh: "Probate Judge Tommy Ragland said Tuesday that voters had been marring ballots by pressing too hard with the pencils they used to mark them. He thought the problem was that voters were made after a contentious, ugly campaign season. He said they were taking it out on the pencils." God bless America?

10:42 P.M.: More on the Chris Matthews/Michele Bachmann interview. Matthews: "Has someone hypnotized you? Because no matter what I ask you, you give the same answer." Bachmann: "I think people are thrilling tonight." Don't look at her directly in the eyes, or you'll either turn to stone or catch the crazy!

10:53 P.M.: "Money in this election has been a dagger aimed at the heart of democracy." - Katrina vanden Heuvel, editor of The Nation, on Colbert's show

10:57 P.M.: Colbert: "Before I go, I'd like to speak to all Americans. So if you're an American who isn't currently watching, I'm going to give you a moment to turn on your TV."

10:58 P.M.: "When states turn red or blue on the election maps, that doesn't happen when you actually go there. It's disappointing."

10:58 P.M.: "The important thing for every American to remember tonight is that, whether you're happy or sad about the results, is that this is how it will be forever."

10:58 P.M.: "A party has been swept into power on the platform of change, and that's never bitten anyone in the ass."

10:59 P.M.: "Everything's fixed! So tomorrow's show might just be a rerun followed by Soul Plane. You won't want to miss it!"

11:06 P.M.: I think I'll leave it on Comedy Central for a while before I crawl back into reality.

11:07 P.M.: Sean Duffy's ahead of Julie Lassa? Was it his logrolling commercial that put him over the top?

11:26 P.M.: Getting condolence messages about Feingold from old friends out in Montana. It's insane that Wisconsin is making Montana look like a progressive hotbed tonight. Am I in the Twilight Zone??

11:38 P.M.: Back to NBC. It's still weird to flip over on election night and not see Tim Russert (and his white board).

11:39 P.M.: Tom Brokaw on the marijuana proposition in CA: "The fact is, they don't have to legalize it in California, because they're all smoking it out there anyway."

11:45 P.M.: Self-medicating with Doritos. Unsightly cheese dust on my fingers reminds me of John Boehner so I switch to leftover Halloween candy.

12:00 A.M.: Well, what a night. I can't say I'm surprised by most of what happened, although losing Russ Feingold is pretty awful. Oh, well - the country has spoken, and has once again shown that we have the shortest memories in the world (and that old white people are still afraid of The Gays and The Immigrants and letting people other than themselves get government-run health care**).

Alright, GOP - you've got 20 months to fix everything! See you in 2012!

*No, he wasn't. Oberstar fell to a grown man named "Chip" later in the evening.
**According to NBC News tonight, 58% of senior citizens polled want "Obamacare" repealed.


CitizenBen said...

This is why I avoided T.V. last night since I just knew it would do nothing but remind me why I can't stand 90% of humanity, and 98% of 'Mericans.
We have no collective memory, or capacity to think for ourselves whatsoever. It isn't as if the progressives or Democrats have done enough to defend themselves this election cycle, but the alternative was/is just crazy.
It's sort of like saying man my plumbing isn't working very well and my plumber just keeps patching it up. SO I'm going to go find the homeless crazy guy who's house it used be so HE CAN FIX IT!
Genius like that is what makes 'Merica the country it has become.

Great blog!

Yankee Librarian said...

I self-medicated with beer. I think I will self medicate for the next two years.