Monday, March 30, 2009

This makes the kitten-in-a-fake-Fabergé-egg thing look totally practical.


"Little Umi."

Wha...what?

"Little Umi."

Sweet holy hell. $140.00 (plus shipping & handling) for a creepy monkey doll in a onesie? Who the hell is the target market for this? And don't say children, because right there in the bottom of the ad it says, "This baby orangutan is not a toy; she is a fine collectible to be enjoyed by adult collectors."

This is like something they would have dreamed up on Passions. No, seriously. It would have fit in seamlessly:



God, I miss that show.



Sunday, March 29, 2009

Saturday, March 28, 2009

Whoops.


I had the best of intentions tonight--I was going to turn the TV off, turn the lights off, and find something productive to do to celebrate Earth Hour. Instead...

Sleeping on the floor, 1983.

Well, I guess naps are pretty energy-efficient, all-around.


Friday, March 27, 2009

Twenty-eight, twenty-nine...


Readying for my grand entrance.

Thirty! (One week from today.)


Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Punch happy.


Today I stopped at the grocery store to pick up a bottle of juice. It cost $2. When I got up to the checkout lane, I handed over my $2 along with my punch card--it's one of those annual promotions they run where every time you shop, the cashier punches out amounts on the card corresponding to how much you spend. Eventually, if you manage to fill up the card before the game ends, they scratch off a strip on the back and you might win a dollar. Or a thousand. But most likely, a dollar.

When I handed it to the cashier, it had one $1 spot and one $5 spot punched out, along with the #7 (from last week). When she handed it back, it looked like this:

My passport to savings.

Someone got a little puncher-happy.

(Although in the midst of the punching frenzy, apparently she forgot to punch out the #8. Oh, well, I'll just have to make a return trip this week and try my luck again.)


Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Cue choir of angels.


Sweet, glorious satellite.Sweet, glorious satellite.

Stewart? Colbert? In the comfort of my own home?

THE TYRANNY OF MARCH MADNESS IS OVER.



Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Luck o' the midgets to ya.


Bossman's Father: I forgot a word...what are those little people called? The ones with the green? In Ireland? And the clovers? And the cauldrons...with money in them...?

Me: Leprechauns?

B.F.: What? *he's in his eighties and his hearing is pretty bad*

Me: LEPRECHAUNS?

B.F.: One more time?

Me: LEPRECHAUNS?!?

B.F.: Ahh, that's it! I kept thinking 'midget' but I knew that wasn't right.


Friday, March 13, 2009

So...my grandma likes fart jokes.


While fixing my 89 year-old grandmother's DVD player the other day:

Grandma: Have you seen this movie? *holds up a copy of Big Daddy, which is just about the last movie in the world I'm expecting her to have in her possession*

Me: *suppressing giggle* Um, yeah, I have! Grandma, where'd you get that?

Grandma: Oh, your aunt Tracy dropped it off. Look at the cover. *hee hee* Are they supposed to be peeing?

Me: Yeah, I think so.

Grandma: I like that Adam Sandler. He looks kind of stupid, though.

Later that night, recounting the scene to my mother:

Me: And so she pulls out a copy of Big Daddy! And she says if she likes it, she's going to take it over to the senior center and tell all of her friends to watch it. I wanna be a fly on the wall when that happens!

Mom: Isn't that one kind of raunchy?

Me: Well, yeah! It's an Adam Sandler movie!

Mom: Remember when you guys were kids and Ren & Stimpy came on TV? And how she'd tell you to turn that garbage off, that you shouldn't be watching that stuff? Well, I remember one time when I went down there without you kids, she was sitting there in her living room watching Ren & Stimpy, and it was all about them farting--fart clouds floating around, nothing but a bunch of fart sounds--and she was laughing her head off.


Monday, March 09, 2009

Police blotter.


Thursday, 2:13 A.M.: Caller reports there is a detour sign in her driveway.

Thursday, 5:26 P.M.: Caller states two kids super-glued his car doors shut; doors were just frozen.

Friday, 2:55 P.M.: Report of a scruffy-looking gentleman knocking on doors trying to sell a bottle of Febreze.

Saturday, 6:33 A.M.: Caller reports receiving death threats over XBox Live.

Monday, 12:34 A.M.: Caller asks that intoxicated husband be removed from residence; husband then called to ask that intoxicated wife be removed.


Axis of Evil.


Iran, Iraq, and North Korea? Not at my house. Right now, I'd say our Axis of Evil is:

1. The Minnesota High School Hockey Tournament.
2. Pledge drive week on the local PBS station.
3. The impending NCAA college basketball championships.

WE HAVE NOTHING LEFT TO WATCH ON TV.

Monday, March 02, 2009

Things I learned from watching "Square One" in my formative years.


Except for a brief moment in time when we had a satellite dish in the mid-1980s--one of the only times I can remember that my parents were early-adopters of any sort of technology--we grew up with four TV channels to pick from, two of which barely came in on our rabbit ears (inconveniently located in a spider plant hanging up near the top of our lofty living room ceiling). Most of the time, our best afterschool option was PBS, especially after they stopped syndicating cartoons on the local NBC & CBS affiliates before the news came on at 5:00. We lost He-Man, which was tragic, but I suppose in the long run 3-2-1 Contact and Square One were better for our brains (and our parents' bottom line--there weren't any Square One toys at Pamida for us to fawn over).

Square One was my secret shame. Despite an almost crippling inability to do much of anything beyond adding, subtracting, and multiplying in math classes at school (my grasp on division = slippery), oh how I loved to come home, plop down with a bowl of Doritos, and wait to see what that crazy Mathman had gotten himself into this time.

1. Learning how to make up my own secret codes was totally cool. Unfortunately, if your brothers watch the same TV shows as you, the covertness of said secret codes may be easily compromised. ("Mom, Mary called me a 2-21-20-20-8-5-1-4!")

2. Everyone loves it when the authority structure gets inverted once in a while.

3. Square One was like the Austin City Limits of its day!

4. Once heard, the line "probability/don't you mess with me" cannot be unheard. I still get that song stuck in my head on a regular basis.

5. Doesn't it seem like it's just a matter of time until CSI: Mathnet shows up on the TV schedule?