Here's to pills.

My friend Shannon's mom works at a urologist's office, and it's ASTOUNDING how much promotional junk the drug companies are constantly foisting upon them. Seriously. Post-it notes, pens, mugs, mousepads, you name it, they probably market it. Shannon and I were chatting this morning, and I said I'd seen a commercial last night for a new overactive bladder pill whose mascot appears to be a water balloon. Clever. When those inevitable promotional water balloons with "Enablex" stamped on them show up at the urologist's office, I so call dibs.

In the meantime, enjoy a smattering of drug names that I find ridiculous and/or misleading. I have no idea what most of these are actually for, but I'm pretty sure almost no one else does, either.

Abilify - In addition to tossing out the first pitch at baseball games and dancing with Ricky Martin, does being President of the United States also entitle one to christening a prescription drug? Because judging by this, I’m now 99% sure it is. (“We need to abilify the spread of freedom!”)

Enablex - For enablers.

Celebrex - For people who can’t get enough of Kool & the Gang.

Mucomyst - This sounds like a supervillain the ninja turtles should be fighting under a sewer grate somewhere.

Flomax - You know, this is actually a fairly straightforward name. Is your man having prostate-related pee issues? Then maximize his flow, with Flomax. That’s about as close of a direct correlation between drug name and drug function as you’re gonna find, and for that I applaud them. What cracks me up about this one are the commercials, which try so hard to be manly that you can practically taste the testosterone. Men, FISHING! Men, CHOPPING WOOD! Men, DRIVING CLASSIC SPORTSCARS! Combined with the booming “Here’s to MEN!” voiceover, it proves less ooky than those cringe-worthy commercials with the boomer guys sitting around singing “Viva, Viagra!”, but still.

Lyrica - For struggling songwriters.

Atarax - For people with chronic thumb pain following extended use of Ataris.

Chantix - Throat lozenges for monks/European football fans.

Lovenox - Let’s be frank: what with the “love” and the “nox,” I think it’s totally fair that I infer this is for some type of V.D. treatment.