Thursday, July 20, 2006
Pushing my "smile and nod" skills to the limit.
Early one morning shortly before the 4th of July, the office door creaked open and in walked the apparition to the left.
"What time do the Democrats open?" she squawked. (The county Democrats rent our basement office space and show up about once a week for their "A Lot of People for Dave Obey" meetings. I agree, not the best name, but that's probably the least of the Democrats' concerns right now.)
I told her that they were only in on Thursdays, after 5:00. Wrong answer.
"They really should keep regular office hours. It is our duty as Americans to be ever-vigilant against the tyranny of law enforcement."
But wait, there's more.
Apparently, several days before she showed up here, she got into an "altercation" with some people over a sign they had in their yard--one of those "Impeach Bush" placards that keep popping up. "I take that sort of thing very seriously," Crazy Lady says. "That is a serious charge to level against our Commander in Chief." So she got out of her pickup truck and walked over to the edge of the signkeepers' driveway.
And then she started yelling at their house.
"What do you mean by this?!? Freedom isn't free!!!" and so on. She got no response. So she decided to kick things up a notch. Literally.
"I could sense that the person was inside and just not answering the door, so I kicked their sign down and got in my truck to drive away."
At last, Crazy Lady had roused the homeowner into action--they ran to their screen door and yelled at her to get off their property, or they were calling the cops. Crazy Lady's response? Kick the sign again, give the sign-owner the finger, and scurry back to her truck to drive away.
But, there was one thing she hadn't counted on: the homeowner running out of their house and writing down her license plate number. By the time she got home, the cops were calling.
This has proven especially troublesome for Crazy Lady, because in addition to the disorderly conduct charge/fine levied against her for the sign-kicking, she's also embroiled in yet another peccadillo with the City. Something about her truck being towed from a no-parking zone.
"They had no right to tow my vehicle, and to take my stun gun in there, and to take my little wooden box, too. That box had a lid on it, and they had no right to open it without a search warrant. And I want my stun gun back, dammit!"
I don't know why her truck was towed. I don't know what she had in the box, although I think I could hazard a guess or two. I'm frankly a little terrified that she possessed a stun gun. And I'm still not 100% clear on why she came looking for the Democrats--maybe to yell at them about freedom for a while?
"I wanna move to Las Vegas next week to start my new life as a bartender, and I don't want to have this to deal with back here. And now the public defender won't even talk to me. I don't know who died and made him god. I'm part of the public, defend me!!"
"Are you a lawyer?" (No.) "Well, I want me one of them lawyers what really believes in the law. A lawyer who believes in truth, liberty, and justice for all. (in her head, I imagine that "America the Beautiful" is swelling in all its orchestral glory by this point) A lawyer who'll stick it to the government!"
Uh...my boss is the City Attorney. I don't think he'll be sticking it to the government for you anytime terribly soon.
By this point, Crazy Lady had spiraled down past the point where our conversation (if you can even call it that) was making much sense...deflated, she left with naught but a business card and her delusions.
Epilogue: Thirty minutes later, I left the office on my morning mail run to the post office and City Hall. Grabbed the mail from our P.O. box, walked down the block to City Hall, stepped inside...and THERE SHE WAS. CRAZY LADY!!! Yelling at Patti the receptionist, repeating everything she'd just come and harangued me about. I made eye contact with Patti, winced sympathetically, and backed right out of the building. One time's the charm with Crazy Lady.