Thursday, July 17, 2014

Hashtags aplenty.


More, more, more.

#Bombshells
#SurgerySexting
#SexToyText
#TwilightPerv
#PoliticianPorn
#StripperScam
#SleepoverStabbing
#TeacherSexVegas
#DuffelDeath
#HotCarDeath
#HotCarHaircut
#RockAttack
#BathroomAttack

#BatAttack
#BBQAttack
#CourtOutburst
#NearDeathDivorce
#NightmareNanny
#KFCKickOut
#2ManyKids
#BabyInField
#BabySnatcher
#KillerDrink
#KillerPorn
#KillerNextDoor
#KillerVirgin
#KitchenKiller
#MidwifeKiller
#LipoKiller
#DeathByWindow
#DeadlyDentist
#BodyInBox
#BroomBrawl
#WickedSurfer
#JelloShotMom
#VomitMom
#JiltedHubby
#BathroomPerp
#ToiletMurder
#DeathWrap
#PotEater
#Call911ForPot
#RatPoison
#GymBagShocker
#FleshEatingVirus
#Outrage



Wednesday, July 16, 2014

What's making me happy this week.



This has actually been making me happy for a while, but I've been a bad blogger lately so I'm just finally catching up.

https://twitter.com/_FloridaMan


Please, please, check out @_FloridaMan.  A sample of recent headlines:


Florida Man Goes on Breast Pump Robbing Spree


Florida Man Squawks, Claims He’s a Pterodactyl as Police Chase Him Through Legoland

Florida Man Breaks Into School While High, Steals Fruit Loops

Florida Man Caught Stealing Alcohol With Dog; Says He'd Just Broken Dog Out of "Jail"

Argument Over Women's Rights Ends With Florida Man Punching Rabbit

Florida Man Verbally Abuses Walmart Employees While Riding Around Store on Scooter

Florida Man Loses Job as Deputy After He Lets Drunk Friend Heckle Women Through Patrol Car's Loud Speaker


By the powers vested in me by the State of Wisconsin (and the internet)...




As the result of many twists of fate, and by the powers vested in me by the State of Wisconsin (and the internet), on June 10th I officiated the first (and only) LEGAL(!) same-sex wedding in the history of Ashland County. I don't know if you can technically call it a shotgun wedding, given that neither of them was pregnant (and the fact that they'd been together for almost ten years), but it certainly was a wonderful whirlwind of a day. David, Teege & Logan were already a family, but to know that they're now on the road to having all the rights & privileges that so many others take for granted is amazing. I was humbled to be a part of it. (Also, I got to make a Melrose Place reference during the ceremony, which made it all the more timeless and elegant.)




"I gradjamadated!"


Spotted in Ashland last month, right around the time the high schoolers were graduating...

Saturday, July 05, 2014

Police blotter.


Sunday: Caller reported that he and his wife were in a store and their three children were left in the car. The children reported that they saw a man go onto their boat and he was there for a while. Update: officers discovered that the subject had used the boat as his personal bathroom.

Monday: Caller reported a large group of campers having a very loud party. Update: officer spoke with the campers who stated they were playing the mandolin earlier but were not being loud.

Tuesday, 1:20 P.M.: Caller is upset because the TV next door is louder than hers and she can't hear her own TV.

Friday, 12:18 A.M.:  Caller reports observing a male known to him stealing his property; stated he was staking out his prior residence after being served an eviction notice to ensure none of his belongings were taken.  Observed a male remove a garden gnome that is a family heirloom.  Caller stated he confronted the subject about the issue and stated subject “acted the fool” and left the area.

Saturday, 10:27 A.M.: Caller complains that a male who sounds "Mexicanly" keeps calling, asking what the employees are wearing.




Sunday, June 08, 2014

Police blotter.



Monday, 10:58 A.M.: Neighhorhood cat is eating birds from the bird feeder.

Tuesday, 11:47 A.M.: Caller wants to talk to an officer about a kid, 16-17 years of age with “a curly head of hair,” who made a hand signal shaped like a gun and pulled the “trigger” while making “pow-pow” verbal sound effects.

Thursday, 12:05 A.M.: Call from a highly intoxicated female saying that someone was trying to bring a gas can into the bar and she wanted an officer to come and address this problem. Update: bartender said there wasn't a problem and that the caller was actually the one who brought in the gas can.

Friday, 4:54 P.M.: Caller requests to know what her son's probation conditions are since "he's in a house with a bunch of assholes."

Saturday, 2:07 A.M.:  Daily Press employee states that his coworker's vehicle is covered in shaving cream.

Sunday, 11:08 P.M.:  Call from bicyclist reporting a group of people running strips of Saran Wrap across the road from pole to pole/tree to tree.  Update: no people located, but Saran Wrap was taken down. 


Tuesday, June 03, 2014

#HashtagsAplenty.


It continues.


#Call911ForPot
#DeadlyFall
#KillerVirgin
#VirginKiller
#SuspectOrPsychic
#RatPoison
#NewlywedDeath
#KillerMommy
#KillerPill
#BradPitt
#BabySnatcher
#PotToBlame
#2Rich4Justice
#2Sexy4School
#MobWives
#WickedSurfer
#TeacherAbuse
#FlirtToDivorce
#TeacherSexVegas
#GymBagShocker
#DoggyDoorThief
#KillerJuice
#LipoKiller
#SexToyText
#BeachDeath
#PoliticianPorn
#DeadlyDentist
#PsychicScam
#ColdBlooded
#Guilty
#Bombshells
#Outrage



Thursday, May 29, 2014

Set them free!


During my formative years, I drove a garden-hose green '78 Oldsmobile.  (I've talked about it before.)  It wasn't quite conspicuous enough on its own, so I started accumulating rubber ducks in the rear window.

It got out of hand.



Eventually, I moved on to Bessy, the Oldsmobile got passed down to my brother Nick, and the ducks got put away. 

Cut to a few weeks ago:  I was cleaning out some big old Rubbermaid bins that have followed me around since I was in college, when I pulled out...a big bag full of rubber ducks that I'd forgotten I had.

I immediately thought of my friend Nick, and how when we were in high school and college, he was always joking and telling me to "set them free!"  Well, Nick grew up and now he's an ornithologist...and this month was the Great Wisconsin Birdathon, so I knew he'd be out counting...

It seemed like a good time to finally set them free.  On his front porch.






Wednesday, May 28, 2014

Remodeling.





Y'know, if "remodeling" = "tearing down the entire building."