Monday, October 13, 2014

What's making me happy this week.


Apparently, this came out almost two years ago, but I just heard it for the first time at Zombie Prom on campus over the weekend.


Thursday, October 02, 2014

Sunday, September 21, 2014

Police blotter.



Sunday, 2:17 P.M.: Caller dialed 911 and wanted to make a doctor's appointment. Dispatch explained that 911 does not schedule doctor's appointments.
 

Monday, 2:35 P.M.: Caller reports another driver is “generally being bad at driving.”

Tuesday, 7:26 P.M.:  Report that neighbor is burning something stinky again.

Thursday, 4:47 P.M.: Man called 911, telling dispatch information about his Publisher’s Clearinghouse entry that had a deadline on that day. When asked what his emergency was, he told dispatch the ID# for his entry and that he doesn’t have a phone and was calling from AmericInn. When asked if he was trying to call Publisher’s Clearinghouse, he told dispatch he was at home and gave a phone number. When dispatch attempted to call that number, it went to a fax machine. Update: wife arrived at AmericInn to pick up caller.

Friday: Surveillance stated that people were reporting lots of smoke around Legendary Waters Casino. EMS and fire department standing by until smoke can be located. Fire chief reported he could see smoke from the casino and would send units. Update: fire chief reported that the smoke was coming from a campfire at the campground next to the casino.

Saturday, 5:03 A.M.: Caller says neighbor is wandering around outside of his apartment without pants on. He says there is an electrical issue with his door. Update: there is not, he locked himself out.


Tuesday, September 09, 2014

Oh so many hashtags.


They'll never stop.


#TapewormDiet
#NicotineKills
#JelloShots
#WasherTot
#JoggingMom
#BabyInTrash

#AcidAttack
#KillerOnTheLoose
#DeadlyDUI
#AmishKidnap

#ToothFairy
#SuitcaseBody
#WarMachine
#HiredHorror
#MileHighAttack
#FakeInvasion

#2Obese4Justice
#SetOnFire
#FishDream
#HeldCaptive

#EvilStepmom
#RenterFromHell

#MethMania
#Outrage



Monday, September 01, 2014

Police blotter.



Sunday, 9:43 A.M.: Caller reports male passed out on a park bench at the “music dome” (aka the band shell).  Unable to rouse.  Update: officer spoke with subject, who'd had a night on the town and was sleeping it off.

Monday, 9:35 P.M.:  Caller said “he seen a male and female fighting in the middle of the street.”  Only other info he could provide was that one was wearing a skirt.

Tuesday, 4:18 P.M.: 911 open air call, could hear a female talking loudly about celery and apples.

Tuesday, 5:58 P.M.: Caller states that yesterday, her neighbor hit some skunks with a tiller.  He placed the skunks in a bucket and left the bucket in the backyard.

Wednesday, 8:15 P.M.: Caller wishes to speak with an officer, requests they meet her at McDonald’s; she’ll be “the one in the Batman shirt and capris.”

Thursday, 9:15 P.M.: Caller’s ex-wife is inviting him to play games on Facebook. Has a valid restraining order against her. Officer advised caller to either block his ex-wife on Facebook, or to get rid of his account.  Caller refuses to do either.

Friday, 1:04 P.M.:  Report of a break-in; caller noticed about forty CDs and a live chicken are missing.

Saturday, 12:07 P.M.: Caller reports that a residence in his neighborhood is having a yard sale, and people are parking on the wrong side of the street.

Saturday, 1:01 P.M.: Caller stated that while she was out cleaning around some dumpsters, she found a large black duffel bag and is afraid to open it because she doesn’t know what could be in it, “possibly a body.” Update: officers opened the bag and found men’s underwear and socks. Update: bag’s owner located, male stated he had argued with his girlfriend and when he left the residence, he’d stashed his belongings by the dumpsters.


Thursday, July 17, 2014

Hashtags aplenty.


More, more, more.

#Bombshells
#SurgerySexting
#SexToyText
#TwilightPerv
#PoliticianPorn
#StripperScam
#SleepoverStabbing
#TeacherSexVegas
#DuffelDeath
#HotCarDeath
#HotCarHaircut
#RockAttack
#BathroomAttack

#BatAttack
#BBQAttack
#CourtOutburst
#NearDeathDivorce
#NightmareNanny
#KFCKickOut
#2ManyKids
#BabyInField
#BabySnatcher
#KillerDrink
#KillerPorn
#KillerNextDoor
#KillerVirgin
#KitchenKiller
#MidwifeKiller
#LipoKiller
#DeathByWindow
#DeadlyDentist
#BodyInBox
#BroomBrawl
#WickedSurfer
#JelloShotMom
#VomitMom
#JiltedHubby
#BathroomPerp
#ToiletMurder
#DeathWrap
#PotEater
#Call911ForPot
#RatPoison
#GymBagShocker
#FleshEatingVirus
#Outrage



Wednesday, July 16, 2014

What's making me happy this week.



This has actually been making me happy for a while, but I've been a bad blogger lately so I'm just finally catching up.

https://twitter.com/_FloridaMan


Please, please, check out @_FloridaMan.  A sample of recent headlines:


Florida Man Goes on Breast Pump Robbing Spree


Florida Man Squawks, Claims He’s a Pterodactyl as Police Chase Him Through Legoland

Florida Man Breaks Into School While High, Steals Fruit Loops

Florida Man Caught Stealing Alcohol With Dog; Says He'd Just Broken Dog Out of "Jail"

Argument Over Women's Rights Ends With Florida Man Punching Rabbit

Florida Man Verbally Abuses Walmart Employees While Riding Around Store on Scooter

Florida Man Loses Job as Deputy After He Lets Drunk Friend Heckle Women Through Patrol Car's Loud Speaker


By the powers vested in me by the State of Wisconsin (and the internet)...




As the result of many twists of fate, and by the powers vested in me by the State of Wisconsin (and the internet), on June 10th I officiated the first (and only) LEGAL(!) same-sex wedding in the history of Ashland County. I don't know if you can technically call it a shotgun wedding, given that neither of them was pregnant (and the fact that they'd been together for almost ten years), but it certainly was a wonderful whirlwind of a day. David, Teege & Logan were already a family, but to know that they're now on the road to having all the rights & privileges that so many others take for granted is amazing. I was humbled to be a part of it. (Also, I got to make a Melrose Place reference during the ceremony, which made it all the more timeless and elegant.)




"I gradjamadated!"


Spotted in Ashland last month, right around the time the high schoolers were graduating...